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Not Everything In Life Is A “Hack”, So Can We Please Dump This Stupid Word?


Jan 27, 2016 Opinion , , 0 Comments

Using a clothes pin to hold your freaking earbuds is not a “hack”.  It’s using a clothes pin to hold your earbuds.

Color coding your keys with nail polish isn’t a hack either.  It’s painting your keys with nail polish.

These are TIPS, ok?  Not hacks.  Hacking means you’re either chopping a murder victim’s limbs from his torso or using a computer to break into the Pentagon’s mainframe.

One time I saw a “lifehack” suggestion to put pancake batter into a ketchup bottle for a “no-mess experience”.

Funneling thick, gooey pancake batter into a ketchup bottle will make a bigger mess than simply ladling the batter into a pan like a normal person.

And how many times a year do people actually make pancakes?  Maybe six or eight?

If I had a professional pancake making operation, sure, maybe I’d try to get the batter into some kind of dispenser.  But in my house, we have pancakes only a few times a year.

In the time it would take to stuff the batter into an empty ketchup bottle, we could already have a bunch of pancakes cooked and ready to eat.

Not to mention, who has empty ketchup bottles just lying around the house?  Or are we supposed to waste what’s left inside a half-full bottle just to make some lousy pancakes?

Plus, I don’t want to rinse out a ketchup bottle.  Ketchup grosses me out.  I’ll eat it on a burger, but I don’t want to fill a gross crusty bottle under the faucet and see all that semi-opaque ketchup water with floaties in it.

Can we just admit as a society that this is completely stupid?

I blame the Internet.  For all the good it does, there’s like this weird abstract going on where the Internet has watered everything down and made ideas stupid and cheap and disposable.

It makes me worry about my kids.  They’re still very young, so I’m going to teach them all I can about the digital age, but I hope to instill a sense of respect for the time when things were made out of real wood and steel, and books were made out of paper.

In the meantime, I’m banning the word “hack” from my life unless it has something to do with actual computer hacking.

Or cadaver desecration.


Your Pal,





Baby Food Jar OrganizerPS:  By the way, all you young-buck hipsters who think your generation invented lifehacking… go into any old man’s garage and you’ll probably see one of these.  It’s a baby food jar garage organizer, and old dudes have been using these things for about 100 years.

(Which, ironically, was the time period your ridiculous mustaches came from as well.)

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